Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Medical Parody: Anal Bleaching

The following article is intended as a medical parody. Originally, I wrote it to play a prank on a co-worker in a trucking company, who had brought up the subject of anal bleaching (as a cosmetic surgery), describing the cosmetic surgery in a rather distasteful way. He was also known for coming in to inform the girls in the office every time he passed gas, much to everyone's disgust and/or amusement. Needless to say, he was tickled, not offended by this article. This article is particularly effective if you lay it out it in columns in Times Roman or any traditional book font, with accompanying pictures if you like, to look like a real newspaper article. You may change the names and/or make derivative works from this. Read my full license at the bottom of the main page of this blog.

Disclaimer: The names and e-mail links in this article are fictitious and are not intended to reflect on any real person. Anyone who sees himself in any of these characters is entirely too neurotic. D.K. Pritchett (Southern Muse) will not be responsible for any ill will, lawsuits, recriminations, or job loss that would very likely result from your posting this silly nonsense in any inappropriate place or that might result from your use of it in general.
  • Headline: Local doctor falls into coma while performing surgery
  • Fake byline: BY FOUL MOUTH foulmouth@dailylies.com
  • Article/text as follows:
An unusual incident occurred here Wednesday afternoon when a doctor fell into a coma while performing surgery at a local hospital, leaving experts stumped as to the apparent cause.
Dr. Butte Whitener was attempting to perform a peculiar and delicate new cosmetic procedure, which involves bleaching of the skin in a sensitive area of the body. Complications arose when it became apparent that an inordinate amount of bleach would be needed. A forty-gallon drum was brought in and opened for the purpose.

“It was just about then that Dr. Whitener fainted,” explained one onlooker. Experts, however, were divided as to the cause. It is thought by some that this particular patient’s case may have been an unfortunate choice for such an untried procedure.

“There was, in this particular case, a rather large expanse of skin to be covered,” said one doctor. “I feel that Dr. Whitener was simply in over his head.” Other witnesses argued that fumes from the bleach were the obvious cause of Dr. Whitener’s sudden distress. Still others insisted that the fumes were not from the bleach, but from some other foul odor emanating from the area of the operating table.

“It is possible that some as yet unidentified gaseous substance was just released into the atmosphere,” said one expert. He pointed out that the effects were similar to those resulting from a massive release of methane gas in an enclosed area. The incident is reminiscent of a similar odd occurrence some years ago in a New Mexico emergency room, when hospital personnel there were overcome by fumes that appeared to emanate from the patient’s body. That incident was later put down to mass hysteria. Yesterday’s case seems unrelated.

None of this accounts for the extended duration of Dr. Whitener’s puzzling condition. Under ordinary circumstances, applications of pure oxygen, followed by intensive breathing treatments, are indicated. Attempts to revive Dr. Whitener have so far been unsuccessful. He remains in a coma in intensive care.

On the positive side, the original patient, a Mr. Mooney Hind, has suffered no seeming ill effects, other than some possible slight trauma resulting from his natural psychological distress during the troubling ordeal. Mr. Hind could not be reached for comment.

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D.K. Pritchett
Medical Parody: Anal Bleaching by D.K. Pritchett is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License. Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://licensed-by-southernmuse.blogspot.com/.

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